Tuesday May 5, 2009

...It started off as an ordinary day...and turned out to be a really LONG day. Like usual, I woke up around 0430 to get ready for work and make it on time at 0600. Got ready, kissed Kiana and Shawn goodbye and went on my merry day. I left work around 1 pm to meet my mom and aunt at the doctors for none other than a psychological evaluation for my mom's kidney transplant. From what we all could tell and what the psychologist told us, she is going to push it forward as a go. I guess I am sane...I passed the test...well maybe just sane enough to give up a kidney to a mother I despised most of my adult life. Why? For many reasons that still upset me, but little by little Im trying to get over it. I used to tell my friend Mikki that between my childhood and adulthood with my mother and my ex-boyfriend who was extremely abusive, i would need counseling for a very long time.....hahahaha.
The meeting with the doctor lasted a little over 2 hours. We were bombarded with tons of questions dealing with income, family, and the consequences of donating a kidney. I personally have no problems with it. I only need one to live, so...... why not? She needs it more than I do!
After the meeting, I called Shawn on my way home and for some reason I didn't like and answer he gave me to a question I asked so I hung up on him, I told him "goodbye" and hung up. Mind you, he also left last night for a week long trip to Montana so if anytime there was to pick a fight with him, yesterday wasn't it since he was leaving. Im not sure what it is that makes me so ticked off with him....sometimes he could have done absolutely nothing and Ill find some reason to be mad at him. Why? Im wondering if it is some sort of inner resentment to something that happened in the past and im not letting go of it. I haven't really figured it out yet, but I would sure like to know.
Well, when i got home, Shawn showed up shortly after, we argued for a little and then I had to leave for a dinner. My aunt flew into town and wanted to take us to eat at the Cheesecake Factory. I didn't want to leave being mad at him so I went into the bathroom while he was taking a shower and told him goodbye and for him to call me when he has time.
Side Bar: I sometimes feel like him not being happy with his situation and not being where he wants to be in life and with his business is really dragging our relationship down. He is always depressed or upset. I know he tried not to show it too much while I am around but I can see right through he facade he puts up. It brings me down to see him like that and when I want to go out or do something, I feel bad. Am I a bad person for feeling this way? All I know is that I wish things were different.....oh well, such is life and I am dealing with it....FOR NOW~!